A recurring theme of this blog has been how deadly Scots cuisine can be. A Hell’s Kitchen of Deep Fried Mars Bars and Buckfast Bhunas. Compared to that, Italian cuisine is a healthy, delicious affair, based on olive oil, pasta,tomatoes and red wine, right? Well, yes, it is actually, but that’s not to say that it doesn’t have its dark corners, and the purpose of this post is to arm you with information that could help you making a terrible error when faced with an Italian menu the next time you’re over here. Think of it as a public service; you don’t need to thank me.
Zampone: The Chamber of Horrors starts with zampone, literally “big hoof” (pictured above) which is a sausage traditionally served at this time of year. Sausagemeat comprising one third muscle, one third minced rind and one third of something that worryingly translates as “glands”, all wrapped up in the skin of a front trotter. Merry Christmas!
Salama Da Sugo: Does that dish up there look familiar? What if I tell you it’s comprised of the “poor parts” of the pig such as cheek, tongue, liver, lard etc all mixed up with spices and red wine? Yes, ladies and gentleman I present you the haggis italiano!
Simmenthal: Although not something you’re likely to find on the menu in an Italian restaurant, no stroll through the black museum of Italian cuisine would be complete without a mention of Simmenthal. The Italian version of corned beef is sold in little cans similar to those that are used for dog food for little dogs (like Caesar). Which appropriate given the sinews in gelatine that’s contained within. Normally consumed by old folk on train journeys.
There you go. Hopefully that’s going to be useful. I’m sure I’ve missed something. Do you know something that should be on the list? Horse steaks, perhaps? Or maybe you know what was in those sausages at my work’s canteen last week? I’d sure like to find out.
All sounds good to me. I got excited at a Spanish deli recently where I found a tin of beans with morcilla in. Yum.
What about those “cakes” that come shrink-wrapped? Panatone? (spelling?) Are those Italian? They seem like glorified Twinkies to me.
Its like a game of top trumps, have you tried vegetarian haggis?
Woo,
The first time I had Morcilla it was dark red, had loads of paprika in it and tasted pretty good. The second time I had it it was dark brown and tasted like minced nails. Haven’t had it since. Mind you, beans can redeem most foods, can’t they? Chipolatas, meatballs, you name it, stick them in a can with beans and that’s good eating!
Daphne,
Panettone may seem like glorified twinkies to you, but you’re talking about THE classic Italian Xmas food here! The shops are full of ‘em right now, and in the week before Xmas approximately 50% of the luggage in flights leaving Italy will consist of panettone. Bit harsh that, isn’t it? You don’t see the Italians having a go at classic US dishes like Thanksgiving turkey and Hostess Ding Dongs do you?
Oswaldo,
I think a Hell’s Kitchen Top Trumps would be a great idea. you could have categories like “Calories” and “Flushes of Toilet Needed”.
I have actually tried Vegetarian Haggis. I quite liked it as well to tell the truth, though it was a bit crunchy (maybe we overcooked it, it’s hard to tell).
At last! Some Italian food that doesn’t turn you into A Homosexual.
You’ll be delighted to know that I had a Lorne sausage ‘n’ tattie scone roll for breakfast. It was great, dripping in fat.
Washed down with a bottle of Barrs American Cream Soda.
Artery hardening pleasure.
I never quite got Lorne sausage. Why was it square, eh? And why did it taste different from all other sausages? I don’t know what the specific ingredient was that made it taste different, but I doubt it was garlic or fenugreek if you know what I mean. I reckon it’s much more likely to have been some of that “glands” stuff they use in the Zampone.
In fact, given the amount of glands and hormones and whatnots in Scotch sausages, I’d say they were much more likely to change your sexual orientation than Italian cuisine.
“fenugreek” eh? I’m starting to think the fellas here might be right about you Thumps.
Are you implying that I ate a bit too much Lorne sausage when I was growing up, eh Daphne? Or just that I’m a big jessie?
Well never mind that, have a look at the “possibly related posts” up there: three links to blogs about wine! Three! That should keep you happy, bloody soak that you are.
Ah, yes, but the glands in Scotch food are manly whisky soaked glands, descended from generations of woad covered berserkers who only stopped being manly long enough, to make sure that there wasn’t someone around claiming to be more manly, so they could hunt him down and put his manliness to the test.
Oh, and apart from the scrag ends of whatever dead cow was hanging in the cold store longest, the only thing that should be in proper Lorne sausage is breadcrumbs, used to eke out the scrag ends even further. A wee bit salt and pepper, and Fat Boabs yer uncle.
Apparently named after a weegie comeejan called Tomy Lorne who did a turn on the music halls.
PS – it’s that shape so it fits perfectly between two slices of a plain half loaf – nane o yer fancy ciabatta here!
Now, excuse me, I’m off to do something manly.
I guess that makes sense – it’s difficult to see Lorne sausage between two slices of ciabatta.
Actually, the Italians haven’t really taken to the whole sandwich idea; your average panino is a pretty dull affair: cooked ham, some mozzarella, a slice of tomato and a dash of olive oil. Stodgier than it sounds. I find it funny to see cafes in the UK advertising “paninis” at exhorbitant prices, as if it were the King of sandwiches.
I’m not falling for that Tommy Lorne story by the way.
Go hither for Tommy Lorne info;
http://www.theglasgowstory.com/story.php?id=TGSEH14
And;
Douglas Scott, chief executive of the Scottish Federation of Meat Traders, used to be a practising butcher and is no stranger to the Lorne sausage. He was involved in deep academic research as to how the Lorne came by its name.
“It is nothing to do with the district in Argyll. The best bet is that it was named after a Scottish music-hall comedian called Tommy Lorne, one of whose catchphrases was ‘Sausages is the boys’.
“Mr Lorne was also partial to a sausage sandwich during his performances.”
So there.
PS;
A survey commissioned by Richmond Sausages on English perception of Scottish foodstuffs reveals that 80 per cent of nancy boy southerners have never heard of Lorne sausage. Nearly one in five think that neeps are small children, and 40 per cent think that if you ask for tablet you will be given a painkiller. A further 20 per cent think that a bridie is a tactic in the game of curling.
And they wonder why I mock them.
“Your comment is awaiting moderation.”
Bastard.
Of course it’s waiting moderation. Every time I enable comments with links on WordPress I keep getting spammed. And I don’t want to know about new miracle penis enlargement pills thank you very much; I’m perfectly happy with my current brand.
That Tommy Lorne story still looks pretty flimsy if you ask me, I’m not convinced.
I wish I’d never heard of Lorne sausage. And bridies. And white pudding. And King Rib suppers.
*rushes to toilet*
You say you don’t want new miracle penis enlargement pills, but now you’re a furriner, I think it goes with the territory.
How dare you rebuff the Tommy Lorne fact! What could be funnier than a man saying “sausages is the boys”! That’s brilliant, that is.
White pudding! Mmmm. Pork, fat, suet, bread, and oatmeal*. Yum. That’ll be a white pudding supper for ma tea, the night, then. Cheers.
*in the old pre-bloody EEC messing with our food days, it also had sheeps brains to bind it all together. Now remind me why I packed in being an apprentice butcher in the early eighties?
Ah, sheep’s brains, nature’s own adhesive.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to throw up. Maybe it was that zampone I had at lunch. Doesn’t go well with the penis enlargement pills.
then you were probably living in Emilia at the time of writing. Apologies for saying that it takes someone from the far north to mix together Zampone, Salama da sugo and Simmenthal. The latter, btw, is not “italian” but is made by kraft food corporation. In its defence; it’s WAY better than Spam and saved me from starvation in one or two situations. Yes, Italian mothers can be very lazy (like mothers everywhere) and serve it too much as dinner but won’t kill you and it’s cheaper than prosciutto. Zampone is absolutely fantastic if you stay clear from the packaged ones. With mashed potatoes and lentils on the side… heaven. Salama is very much like haggis, they both stink like feet but when you eat them the flavor is quite bland. But I agree in part, I guess you need to be raised around it to like it. My defense of brain would be weak since I didn’t eat it since I was a kid. May I, however, mention that marrow is another absolute delicacy you can rarely eat outside Italy…
Panini aside, Italian cuisine is more complex than most people would ever imagine….
Cheers!
I’m in Abruzzo, Paucus. I am from the Far North, but the Far North of Scotland where I grew up eating far worse stuff than any of this. I’ll have to take your word for the Zampone; I’ve only tried the packaged stuff that they put in my work’s Xmas hamper and it was truly fowl.
I agree that Italian food is more complex than thought, and one of the great things about traveling around Italy is how the dishes change from region to region. I wrote the post because of the “Bella Pasta” image that pervades of Italian cuisine outside of Italy and which gets on my nerves to be honest.