If there’s one thing you can’t really get away from in Italy, it’s the Catholic church. From Pope lollipops on sale in Rome to pictures of Padre Pio in the smallest provincial bakery, you’re reminded of its presence and importance everywhere. As a godless protestant all this stuff was new and alien to me, but when you dig into the history, it can be fascinating stuff. So I thought it was about time I made a post about some of my favourite Popes.
Formosus (891-96)
Nothing better illustrates the fun to be had in reading about old Popes than the case of Formosus, who was Pope from 891 until his death in 896, and who went on trial in 897. The year after he died. Yup, in what is believed to be the world’s first Monty Python sketch, the ex-Pope was dug up, propped up in court and made to respond to allegations put to him by Pope Stephen IV (not reputed to be his biggest fan) in what has become known as the Cadaver Synod. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Formosus didn’t put up a stellar defence, and after being found guilty of all charges was stripped of his robes and thrown into the Tiber. Beats reading about Robert the Bruce and his spider, eh?
Felix I (269-274)
Felix I is generally regarded as the first cat to be elected Pope, narrowly beating Sylvester I, who was Pope from 314-35. During Felix’s reign, the most popular souvenirs in Rome were paintings of his image with the words “I iz infallibul, duz yu hav a pwoblem wiz dat?” written on them.
Liberius (352-66)
Liberius makes the list for the simple fact that he is the earliest pope not to become a saint after his death, and I love an underdog. It’s not clear why he was the first not to get the old Celestial Knighthood, he seems to have made a lot of bankable contributions: he refused to sign the condemnation of Athanasius, gave a favourable reception to a deputation of the Eastern episcopate, and zzzzzzzzz … OK, OK, he doesn’t sound like the most dynamic go-getter, but he doesn’t come across as the Warren Harding of the Papacy either. Maybe he just forgot to miraculously heal some sick old woman in Basilicata in the years after his death, and it’s too late now.
Adrian IV (1154 – 59)
“Cor Blimey Guv’nor, the English ‘ave only gone and got themselves a bleedin’ Pope!” No doubt that was what they were saying on the streets of London Town when Nicholas Breakspear became the first and only English Pope in 1154. As you can an imagine, the arrival of an English Pope brought many changes in Rome: Dentists were excommunicated, a Papal Edict was issued stating that all meat and vegetables must be boiled for at least 45 minutes before eating and, most controversially, the Swiss Guard were replaced by a group of medieval Boy Scouts in tight-fitting shorts.
Pope Joan (???? – ??)
I first heard of the story of Pope Joan in a BBC documentary by about 10 years ago. Apparently, the story goes, Joan tricked everybody into believing she was male for years and the secret only came out when she died in childbirth. The church was then so horrified that for years afterwards during the papal inaugurations the Pope was supposedly made to sit on a hollow seat and somebody would reach underneath the robes to check he had knackers and.. I know! And this was on BBC 1 too!
So there you go, my list of Top of the Popes, and I didn’t even need to mention the Borgias …
45 minutes? To boil vegetables? I’m surprised they didn’t all die of food poisoning, under-cooking food like that. No wonder we’ve not had another pope.
You were lucky to get that one I think. I heard that the deciding vote was cast by a Russian Linesman. Still, at least you got one, if you look through the list of Popes it’s remarkable how often God’s Emissary on Earth happened to be born in the environs of Rome. You know, I’m starting to suspect that some favoritism was involved.
As a God fearing Catholic, I think it’s safe to say you’re going to burn in hell for all eternity. Nothing to do with this post, just a fact.
You might also want to check out John XII;
An account of the charges against him in the Patrologia Latina – http://pld.chadwyck.com/ – states:
“They testified about his adultery, which they did not see with their own eyes, but nonetheless knew with certainty: he had fornicated with the widow of Rainier, with Stephana his father’s concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece, and he made the sacred palace into a whorehouse. They said that he had blinded his confessor Benedict, and thereafter Benedict had died; that he had killed John, cardinal subdeacon, after castrating him; and that he had set fires, girded on a sword, and put on a helmet and cuirass.”
A bit of a gadabout then. He died before he could be charged and it was rumoured that he was killed by the husband of one of his mistresses.
Benedict IX was accused by Bishop Benno of Piacenza of “many vile adulteries and murders.” Pope Victor III referred to “his rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts. His life as a Pope so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it.”
Not that it stopped him from being the only man to have served as Pope for three discontinuous periods.
I was named after Alexander VI, who was born Rodrigo Borgia. Which says a lot about my parents.
Yup, you have to say that the History of the Popes beats the history of any of the European monarchies hands down, doesn’t it? In fact, apart from Ludwig II of Bavaria, I don’t think any of our Royal Houses produced anyone interesting enough to have been a medieval Pope.
I’m well impressed that you were named after Alexander VI; do you have a sister called Lucrezia? I’m named after my Great-Grandfather. He wasn’t a Pope, though he may have been an Exorcist – every time he came round to your house the spirits would disappear.
BOOM BOOM!
My parents were of the opinion that charges laid against Alexander VI were vicious lies put about by the forces of evil aka Protestants, and that they would do anything they could do to restore his good name.
Unfortunately, I have only continued to blacken the name further. But they weren’t to know that. Or did they…as he thinks up yet another conspiracy theory…
We’ve only had one British Pope? Have we? I bet he’s burning in hell.