Buggeration! I’ve just put my Twitter Feed into this Hetero Calculator produced by the Stockholm Pride folks and it’s trying to tell me that I’m 33% Hetero! Me! Analyzing the results, it seems that the words that knocked my score down include bugger, shop, rainbow, flower and brilliant. Hmm, it seems that this Tweet from a couple of weeks back may have done a lot of damage:
Bugger me it’s hot today
Dammit, I was just saying it was hot! I wasn’t really inviting people to bugger me! If I were going to do that I would at least have left my telephone number, can’t they see that?!? In the future, I’m going to have to watch what I say; perhaps I should start using more homely asexual expressions such as “Blow me down!” or “Shiver my Timbers!” Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think Blow me Down will help my cause much, and Shiver my timbers if anything sounds worse; I don’t like the idea of anyone making my timbers shiver, to be honest.
No, this needs a dedicated action plan with timings (*opens Excel*). In order to bump that score up a bit, I’m going to make a few changes to my Twitter account, such as
- Posting tweets during football matches (come on Celtic, this shower are pish!)
- Using words such as knockers, jugs, jahoobies and gazongas much more frequently
- Following Ted Nugent
That should do the trick. I bet I wouldn’t have the same score if it was calculated on this blog, with all its post on 80s Heavy Metal bands. After all, what coould be more heterosexual than listening to Manowar (below)?
Ha!
So me titling your bloglink all them months ago as “Recently excommunicated from the Church of Scotchland. Possibly gay.” got you bang to rights.
Mind you, are you going to take the word of a bunch of Swedish bottom bandits who use words like “heteronormativity”? Or are you going to carry on watching Manowar DVDs in a darkened room, all alone.
I bought their Magic Circle live DVD, you know. It lasts six hours! Six Bloody Buggering Baby Oiled hours. What’s that all abaht?
Don’t say “buggering” for Gawd’s sake, you’re going to drive the number down even further.
I think I may have studied Heteronormativity back in Higher Physics. Or was it PE? The PE teacher was definitely involved.
The ManOwar would tip your rating right over the edge. But what pray tell caused you to doubt your hetero grade by tapping into an already dubious ‘manometer’??
Your readers have a right to know!
Oh just idle curiosity Jimmy, it’s always good to get ongoing feedback, even if it does come from a Swedish web site telling you that you’re not as butch as you thought you were. Mind you, I’m not sure it’s all that dubious, it’s Scandanavian isn’t it, and surely if there’s one country that knows about Sex and all that it’s Sweden. I’ve seen the videos.
Thing is, Swedish porn, especially from the seventies, seemed to involve a large number of androgynous blondes slapping each other with twigs. Which is why I’ve always doubted them when it comes to sex. It’s a bit like the French claiming they can cook or the Italians asking you out for a rumble. Lies, lies, lies.
On the subject of buggery, ever heard the Manowar tribute band, Nanowar. Their motto is “Other bands play Nanowar gay!”
Would you be surprised to learn that they’re Italian? Thought not.
I’m trying really hard to have some clever jab at your masculinity right now, but the Bedazzled Banana Hammock is distracting me.
Mr H,
“It’s a bit, like the French claiming they can cook” That’s a bit rich coming from a Scotchman. I thought that Nanowar band was going to be a dwarf (or person of restricted height) version of Manowar. How cool would that have been?
Daphne,
You seem to have a thing for fashion items such as dazzly posing pouches and mullets. I’m now not sure if you’re really a booze-addled Kirkcaldy lass; I’m thinking now you may be either Seigfried or Roy.
Drowning a half dead cow in a watery sauce is not cooking.
There is not one, single, solitary item of French food that is worth mentioning.
Fair play to the Eyeties for inventing pizza, even if it did take the Ottomans to finish it off properly as the doner calzone.
YOU LAZY WASTE OF FUR!
Dave that’s a fair point, I have been fairly- hey! That’s a bit rich coming from a serial blog deleter like you, sonny jim. No, but changes are afoot, and while this blog may be about to get it’s jotters, a new, even worse one, will be there to take its place.
I’m pressing forward with Chalk and Cheese, I thank you very much.
How many internet crazes are you pressing forward with?
theworldfamouschalkandcheesesatiricalwebblog.wordpress.com
Dave, this blog has had its share of Internet Crazes. There were the Naples Wombles, um, the Stripping Italian Housewives,…, er, remember that time we argued about the Hurricane and the Spitfire?
I miss Chalk & Cheese, but I hope they don’t come back, it won’t be the same. It’ll be like the Sex Pistols reformation. Rubbish!
You think I’d be daft enough to bring tired old Chalk and Cheese back?
Never!
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